As a child I was very shy preferring to engage in a world taken in through the eyes and felt with the heart rather than understanding intellectually. I was brought up in the era where it was promulgated that "children should be seen not heard" and for many years I aimed to be pretty invisible. Over the years I grew in myself and learned how to be seen more and more and gradually heard too. I realise that it has taken me a long time not only to be seen and heard but also to feel comfortable with that. Much of the necessary inner transformation has been due to self reflection, counselling, yoga, teaching, voicework and facilitating workshops to empower others to find their voice and negotiate themselves into yoga postures. This posturing can be thought of as positioning, positioning in one's mind, positioning oneself in life, seeing where we are. I have also done various forms of active meditation, learning to be free in my body and use the space around me to move creatively and become clearer.
All this clearing enables the creativity to flow and although I have written poetry since childhood I now feel as though I am finding my voice and allowing the words to flow through me and onto the page; first thoughts, first words, uninterrupted, uncensored, true. Over the summer I have been writing more poetry. This has in part been encouraged by someone having told me that they love my poetry and would like to collaborate with me creatively. I hadn't really shared my poetry much before through reading it to others, although it is on my website and mspace page, and so have not previously received much comment on it.
And so then began the process of talking about performing and realising that I needed to practise. This summer I have also been "feeding the creative well " more and attending various exhibitions and private views of some artist friends and for this I am grateful to have been included and given an opportunity to engage with other creative people and their work. Through talking to other creative people (and we are all creative beings are we not?) about what I do and allowing myself to "talk myself up" which involves recognising first for myself where I am and what I'm capable of and describing that work in an honest way. This too is a learning processs for we British are so ingrained in the saying "don't blow your own trumpet" . Well who else is going to blow it? And surely if we speak accurately and humbly then it is not arrogance but truth that we speak?
So the other night, for the first time in years, I read out my poetry at a performance evening in an art gallery. It was daunting at first but then on looking around the room I realised that people were engaging with the poems and I began to enjoy the experience, letting go of the internal judge and performing the reading with the emphasis and timing that the poems deserved. In this way people could really connect with the words and the feelings I was conveying and touch into their own experience to find their own meaning. A validating experience for all concerned.
So here I am, finding my rightful place in the world (or perhaps one of them) and enjoying the moment!! And just to give you a flavour, here's a poem to go with it.
Truly Seeing
Space expanding
time slows down
mysteriously dissolving form into the ether
How many moments indulgently enjoying
the exchange of those spangled beams of light
homed in, locked on
your eyes on mine
my eyes on yours
No thoughts
just being
truly seeing.
(c) 2009 Narayani L Guibarra
